And the Oscar goes to...
Posted on 07/03/2010As Hollywood prepares to honour the best in the business, Piers Morgan in his column in The Mail on Sunday, ponders on who would win a sporting equivalent of the Oscars.
BEST ACTOR Tiger Woods. Nobody in the movie world has ever even come close to straddling so many different genres in one year.COMEDY — His wife allegedly using a four-iron to smack his car after discovering his philandering, when everyone knows the two-iron would have been more effective.
ACTION — Self-explanatory; Tiger saw more action than Ron Jeremy.
SCIENCE FICTION — His ridiculously insincere ‘I’m a Buddhist, please forgive me’ comeback Press conference.
HORROR — Did you see the state of some of those tattooed, peroxide-infested, Vegas girls? I’m only surprised Tiger didn’t need medical treatment for his own Hurt Locker.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR Tiger’s caddie, Steve Williams, claimed last week that he knewnothing of any of his boss’s womanising and would have shopped him to his wife if he had. Of course, you didn’t and, of course, you would have, Steve.
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE John Terry with Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend. To outrage even your own greedy, amoral, sex-crazed, selfish Premier League colleagues is really impressive. Well done, JT, you Inglourious B*****d.
BEST FILM EDITING Ashley Cole, for those delightful underpants photos that he sent on his phone to any Page 3 bint who asked for them, while assuming they’d never show anyone. Duh!
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY Amy Williams. An attractive young woman choosing to propel herself head-first down an icy shaft on something called a ‘skeleton bob’ and winning Olympic gold is a script even Hollywood would find too far-fetched. Yet there was something undeniably thrilling about watching her do it. Britain isn’t the best in the world at much these days, so it is curiously comforting to know that we’re globe-toppers at such a ridiculous pursuit.
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS David Haye jabbing 7ft Russian giant Nikolai ‘Beast from the East’ Valuev repeatedly in his vast stomach until he eventually won on points. Utterly absurd, yet utterly compelling TV.
BEST SOUND So many spoiled brat tantrums, so little space. But Serena Williams shrieking, ‘If I could, I’d take this ball and shove it down your throat and kill you’ threat to some poor, innocent line judge who called her for a foot fault was quite gloriously repulsive.
BEST MUSIC (ORIGINAL SONG) Some of the greatest songs ever written come from football terraces. Few finer in the last year than this one from the Newcastle fans: ‘Sunday, Monday, Habib Beye, Tuesday Wednesday, Habib Beye, Thursday Friday, Habib Beye, Saturday, Habib Beye, is rocking all week with you!’
But for sheer simplicity, how can you beat the Manchester United fans’ lament to their Korean hero: ‘He shoots, he scores, he’ll eat your Labradors, Ji-sung Park, Ji-sung Park.’
BEST MAKE-UP For reasons that are not entirely clear, France’s Mathieu Crepel decided to compete in the snowboard halfpipe at the Vancouver winter Olympics with a fake moustache painted on his face. Which was almost as silly as the name of his chosen sport.
Meanwhile, Portsmouth's victory over Birmingham may have booked them a date at Wembley, but Pompey fans could be facing a day out at Havant & Waterlooville next season if their club go into liquidation, writes Brian Oliver in The Observer.
Next month it is a big day out at Wembley for potless Portsmouth – and next season they could be playing at Westleigh Park, Havant. A "Plan B" has been drawn up whereby, if Pompey go into liquidation, they will drop down to non-League football in a groundshare with near neighbours Havant & Waterlooville.Nobody working on the plan, devised by the Pompey Supporters Trust, wants it to happen, and fans are desperate for the club to remain at Fratton Park. But they are aware that Portsmouth have built up debts of nearly £80m and that the famous old stadium could be sold to pay off creditors.
"Of course we want to stay at Fratton Park but nobody knows who owns it and whether that would be viable," said Brendon Bone of the Pompey Supporters Trust, who have attracted nearly 2,000 members in their first few weeks of existence and will play a significant role in the club's future wherever that might be.
Westleigh Park would be our home until we found somewhere permanent. Of course 6,500 would be nowhere big enough, but if we can't play at Fratton Park we have to have a Plan B."
What about that lovely new stadium along the coast? "Please don't mention the S-word," Bone said. "The majority of fans I've spoken to would rather watch Pompey play on a parks pitch than share with Southampton.
"Do I think it's a viable option? No."